I’m not in Narnia

The Highs and Lows of Studying Abroad

Part 1: The Lows

I never imagined studying abroad would involve a great amount of anxiety, boredom, and jealousy. I always thought living out your dreams would be smiling, laughing, rainbows, and I guess unicorns. Instead, most of my time is spent sitting in my room staring at a blank, white wall awaiting the weekend.

ANXIETY.

When the time comes to head to the airport, I suddenly feel anxious. My heart begins to race, my breathing increases, and my palms begin to sweat. Maybe deep down these are signs of excitement. In the moment, however, it feels like the beginning of a panic attack. I, all the sudden, become scared. Surprisingly, I just want to go hide in my hermit hole. Then, I remind myself that I’m traveling and living in Europe. I tell myself, “This is your dream. Embrace it. Live it. You were dying of boredom and loneliness the past four days. Go have fun.” Sometimes I think it’s because things could end badly or because I wish I was traveling with my BFF back home or my family. But then I think it isn’t. I really don’t know what the cause is.

I’ve always said that I feel “anxious” or that I might have an attack, but I never really knew how anxiety felt until I came here. The day before I left for Ireland, I woke up having a panic attack. My chest felt like an elephant was crushing it. It hurt. I couldn’t breathe. I was freaking out. I didn’t understand what was happening. I started to freak out thinking I contracted pneumonia from my patients, but then I realize I didn’t have their symptoms. My doctor dad then told me that I was having a panic attack which made me freak out even more because he knows what he’s talking about (he even pulled out his stethoscope to listen to my heart). Ever since then, I’ve felt on edge. This past weekend, we went to Edinburgh. The first night, I didn’t fall asleep until 4 AM. I was exhausted, but couldn’t manage to fall asleep. I then began to get stressed because I hadn’t been able to sleep well the past couple of days. I anxiously called my parents. I was crying hysterically. I kept repeating that I didn’t know what was wrong with me. Why couldn’t I sleep? Why would I be nervous? Shouldn’t I be excited and happy?

The next day, I was completely fine. I was laughing and enjoying Edinburgh. I realize it’s become a weekly occurrence. I feel anxious then I’m happy then the anxiety comes back. It comes for maybe a whole day or just a few seconds. Eventually, I somehow snap out of it and realize where I am. I’m weird.

JEALOUSY.

There are so many people studying abroad this semester. I see their epic and beautiful pictures of them having fun and I get jealous. Jealous of their ability to capture the beauty of the city they’re in. Jealous of their ability to come up with witty captions. Jealous of their ability to get so many likes. Jealous of their outfits. I guess I have a lot of insecurities.

At the beginning of my journey, I was getting more likes on my Instagram and I was proud. I was putting out content that people seemed to enjoy. Then all the sudden, the likes dropped. I then began to question myself. Are my pictures not cool enough? Are my captions not clever? Are people annoyed of me? Do they not like me?

This makes me sound like such a millennial… worrying about likes on Instagram. But, it’s so much more than just likes. I’m a people pleaser. I just want everyone to like me and I want to be friends with everyone. I’ve never been part of the “popular” crowd and I guess it’s just me wishing, for once, that I was. As you’ve probably figured out, I over-analyze everything.

BOREDOM.

Mondays: no school

Tuesdays: class from 12-1, then at 6-8

Wednesdays: class from 10-12

Thursdays: class from 10-12 then 12-1

Fridays: no school

I really shouldn’t be complaining with this schedule considering what I’m going back to (first semester of nursing school…ugh I feel the stress already). I’m used to never being able to sit down. I’m used to studying all the time and having a ton of homework. I’m not used to having only four classes that have no homework, exams, or readings. It also doesn’t help that the classes turned out to be boring. What I’ve learned thus far is how to binge watch Netflix and sleep till 11.

People, myself included, tend to forget that studying abroad isn’t always about traveling. I still have to study even if it’s very… very… very minimal. I’m not always on the go. You see pictures of people going from country to country, but that’s what they want you to see. People don’t post pictures of themselves lying in bed all day or watching an unhealthy amount of Netflix. Studying abroad isn’t filled with magic, mythical creatures, or talking animals. It involves anxiety, loneliness, boredom, and sometimes jealousy. I’m not in Narnia. I’m still me; I still have issues. Life is still going on.

 

Thanks for enduring my scattered thoughts,

Izzy, the explorer